I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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