my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
