i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
