I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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