Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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