New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
