Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
