hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
