considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize