you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
