There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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