I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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