ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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