i would punch a child for taco bell
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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