nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
