4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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