Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
