Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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