I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
