hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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