he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
