Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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