I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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