You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
