How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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