i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
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