Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
the day after is always just damage control
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
