I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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