I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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