My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Terrible idea I love it
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Randomize
