I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
