There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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