once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
