dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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