In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
