So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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