we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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