so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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