Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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