I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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