I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
