Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
