I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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