Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize