Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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