Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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