life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
