we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize