when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize