It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
