Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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