I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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