I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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