I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
