I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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