She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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