Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
