I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
