checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
