The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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