I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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