I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
