where am i from again
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
