Have you finally orgasmed yet?
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
