But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize