Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
