I hate your face
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
