woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
