First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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