I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
