I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
