It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
