Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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